Hot Chicks & Strangers: A Shy Buddhist's Musings on Dating and Relationships

Non-Monogamous Relationships (Attn: Tiger Woods)

2009-12-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

I’m not always a fan of monogamy, but it has one thing in its favor: The rules are clear. Our society is built on the idea of Find-the-One-And-Be-With-Them-Forever. It’s institutionalized. If you want to step off the path, you have to be ready and willing to blaze your own trail.

It’s worth it, though. As the Proverb from Hell goes: “You never know what’s enough until you know what’s more than enough.” Besides, a little variety keeps everybody on their toes. You’re a little more apt to keep your sex moves current when you know she could be comparing your kissing skills to those of the guy behind the counter of the fair-trade coffee shop (*).

Regardless of what you want, I’m a big believer in making that clear early--on the first date, if possible. If you want an exclusive relationship or are headed in that direction, say so. If you don’t, let them know. And if you aren’t sure…that too is important information.

The secret to such conversations is keeping them casual, especially at first. It isn’t supposed to be a debate or a psychotherapy session. Just say, “I’m not sure what your thoughts are, but I’ve found early in a relationship I like to keep things X because of Y. What do you think?”

And by the way, it isn’t enough to just say it. You need to back it up with your actions. If you say you don’t want to be part of an exclusive couple, then don’t do exclusive couple-y things. Granted, it‘s on the other person to decide whether or not to put up with your bullshit. Still, leading people on is bad karma. The static of mixed messages creeps into the signal to noise ratio of the best relationships. Don‘t amplify the problem by sending them knowingly.

There are as many types of non-monogamous relationships as there are non-monogamous couples (or triples and more, in some cases). They tend to fall along a spectrum. We’re going to look at the two extreme ends.

"What you do when we’re not together is none of my business.”

This is my strategy with new relationships. I’ve also seen it adopted by celebrities, touring musicians, and the Clinton-era military (not to mention possibly the Clintons as well).

In some cases, you might negotiate limits beforehand, but what happens and who it happens with remains a secret.

The secret to making this strategy work is discretion, especially in public. The last thing you want to do is put someone you care about in a socially awkward position (again, the Clintons come to mind). Be careful with the PDAs, and if you can help it, don’t invite both of them to the same party.

“I want to know what‘s going on.”

If you like conversation, this is the approach for you. There’s a whole lotta talkin’ goin’ on. You talk to one partner. You talk to the other partner. You tell them what you want, what you like, how you feel. You tell things you don’t always want to admit to YOURSELF, let alone other people.

And when all that talking is done, you get to listen: You listen to how they feel, and what they want, and how they feel about you and not everything is easy to hear. Especially when her other lover is a lawyer/Men’s Health cover model who teaches Kama Sutra lessons in the evenings, volunteers at a soup kitchen on the weekends and whose World Of Warcraft character is geared in purple.

But just as discretion is the foundation of the “none of my business” strategy, this one depends on factual and emotional honesty.

It’s more work and more complex than the first way. With so many more moving parts, there are more opportunities for breakdowns. But it also comes with a lot of rewards--namely a better understanding of yourself and your partners.

I’m not going to pretend to know what works for everyone. Both require, trust, communication, and a commitment to keeping everyone involved emotionally and physically safe. Personally, I lean towards the first option in the early stages of a relationship, and shift towards the second over the course of time. But there are always exceptions.

Oh yeah. One other thing.

Even if you do all this right, you still have to be vigilant. Because sometimes things change. Relationships are dynamic. What worked for you and/or your partner six weeks, six months, six years, or even six decades can change unexpectedly. It’s the way of the world. At such times you need to be ready to a) change with the times or b) change partners.

Whether you’re monogamous or not, the rules sometimes change. Sometimes that can be the frustrating thing about relationships.

Other times, that can be the most liberating part of all.

(*) Not to mention that, at least for me, my primary relationship seems to go better when I am also dating other women. Part of me wishes this wasn't true because it says all kinds of uncomfortable things about me, but it's hard to ignore the evidence.

Texting Someone After You Break-Up With Them

2009-12-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

This was inspired by this post by Poetry-of-Flesh in which the fellow who broke up with her is now sending her text messages wanting to be friends and offering support.

Here are my thoughts on the subject:

"Regardless of what he wants, that is not cool. I know, because I've engaged in similar behaviour about a year ago after initiating a break-up and it did not help things for either of us.

I can't speak for GV8, but in my case, it was a combination of legitimate concern/affection for her, the ego stroke to my insecurity from feeling like somebody needed me, and wanting to keep the things I enjoyed about her without having to actually give up anything.

But probably 80% of it was based on "Not Wanting To Be The Bad Guy"

But all I was doing was making it harder for the other person to move on because I wanted to feel less guilty.

It was also unfair to me. Even though the dump-ee gets most of the sympathy in a break-up, there's a grieving period for the dump-er too. And each time I reached out for the other person instead, I was "interrupting" that grieving period and making it harder for myself."

"Our Relationship Sucks...But So Does Everybody Else's."

2009-12-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to wonder about a lot of relationship advice.

Much of it stresses communication. Much of it suggested "working" on the relationship and "doing" things.

I don't know.

My most recent experience leads me to believe that a lot of the talking and doing stuff "for the relationship" is actually more of a distraction than anything. Because when you're talking about the relationship or DOING stuff for the relationship, you aren't EXPERIENCING the relationship. It's a way of turning your attention away from what's actually going on.

The other question that's come to my mind is whether or not a relationship has to be "good" (I'm talking within the realm of healthy, as opposed to ones containing addictions, violence, and various other unsavory parts of human nature).

I think a lot of us have this idea in our mind of the kind of relationship we want, and anything that falls short of that is failure and needs to be "worked on" or "fixed"...or even scrapped altogether.

I've started thinking about this as I was talking to a number of guys in ongoing relationships. Each guy pretty much said the same thing: "My relationship stinks."

It reminds me of something a woman I know said when a younger woman asked her how she knew she had met The One.

Her reply was, "Frankly dear, it was pretty much a crap shoot."

A relative of mine said s/he (must preserve the anonymity you know) goes through periods of in hizzer relationship, where things are terrible and hizzshe doesn't know if it will survive.

And then something changes. Or nothing changes. But the relationship rumbles on.

It makes me wonder if all that crap about "authentic communication" and "making time for the relationship" is a bunch of hooey. I wonder what would happen if we turned to our partner and said:

"I love you. Our relationship sucks. But so does everybody else's."

I wonder if that might take a lot of pressure off. Instead of trying to live up to some imagined or societal ideal, each of you resolves to try and be the best person you can be--not for the other person, but for yourself--and then see what happens.

Why Chromosome

2009-12-04T10:14:00.000-08:00

One of the least comfortable and most awkward conversations in dating is when you turn someone down for a first or second date and they want to know why.

If the person is asking genuinely, I don't have a problem with it, but often it isn't so much a genuine request as a guilt trip or the beginning of an argument. And when you don't really know the person it's hard to tell whether or not they're being genuine

A female friend of mine recently had that experience.

Here are some of the lines I gave her. Just to be clear, I am joking.

None of your goddamned business.

It's not you it's me.

I'm focused on my career right now.

I don't feel a connection

My husband and I have decided we're going to try and work things out.

My STIs are acting up.

I forgot I'm a lesbian

The problem is, I'm TOO attracted to you.

My identity was recently stolen by my evil clone and I just got it back. I'm sorry but I have no idea who you are.

This whole time you've been part of a research experiment measuring studliness. You scored in the 98th percentile but it would be unethical of me to date a subject.

Got any others?

Random Thoughts From A Random Conversation

2009-11-30T10:47:00.001-08:00

Leaving the comedy show yesterday, I ran into a couple of attractive, tipsy, younger ladies who asked me some rather specific "hypothetical" questions about putting sugar into a person's gas tank.

Said I: "I don't know what this guy did, but it must have been something."

They both laughed and opened up after that. The problem was indeed a guy. One of the girl's had a 30-year old ex-boyfriend who had dumped her recently and then showed up at her place of employment with his 18 year old new girlfriend (*).

Classy.

Furthermore, he had tried to get her to change her religion, change her friends, and basically mold herself into the person he wanted. In the meantime, she had done a lot for him including bake cupcakes for his sick friend..and it still wasn't enough.

There are a few lessons from this story.

Lesson One: Do NOT Make Changing Someone Part Of Your Romantic Agenda. Trying to change someone else--either directly or passive-aggressively--is not a good idea. EXPECTING them to change is not a good idea. And while we're on the subject: DO NOT PICK A PARTNER BASED ON THEIR "POTENTIAL."

Trust me. The only thing that causes problems like expecting someone to change is expecting them to NEVER change.

That doesn't mean you have to LIKE everything about them.

Lesson Two: It Is Not Up To One Person To Do All The Work. I've talked about this in another post, but the basic is, you should never be working harder on the relationship than the other person. You are doing a disservice to them and to yourself.

On the flip side, you should never be expecting them to do all the work(**) either.

Ultimately, there needs to be a balance. I'm not saying you should be adding every little thing up on a spreadsheet. Most of us have an intuitive sense of where our relationships are at any given time.

That being said...

Lesson Three: Don't Expect Anything In Return. Whatever you put into the relationship--time, money, sex, intimacy--you should be okay with the possibility that you might not get anything back for it.

This means don't invest anything unless you are okay with the possibility of losing it. If you aren't comfortable giving something to the other person or if you're going to feel resentful if you don't get something back for it DON'T DO IT. That applies to everything from commitment to blow-jobs to springing for drinks and dinner.

These three lessons are really variations on the same lesson: Just because you are in relationship with someone doesn't make you responsible for their happiness. Similarly, you should not be expecting the other person to make you happy.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do things for your partner. But you should do them because it feels good to you to make the other person happy, not because you feel that not doing them a) makes you a horrible person b) will destroy them emotionally or c) they will break up with you if they don't.

(*) Because I don't know the guy's motivation for doing this, I'm putting this point as a footnote. Deliberately embarassing someone or throwing their emotions in their face is a TERRIBLE idea. Not only is it classless and lame, it could come back to bite you on the ass. Emotions are volatile things; when you play with them, you are potentially playing with dynamite. This is how gas tanks get sugared, tires get slashed, and terrible country music and emo songs get written. There's too much of that in the world already.

(**) I don't even like the word "work" when it comes to relationships. I mean, yes, you need to put effort in, but your relationship should never be a chore. More importantly no relationship is more important than the well-being of the people IN thre relationship. I've known couples who are spending so much time checking the gauges and twisting dials and letting off steam and shoveling coal into the voracious maw of "The Relationship" that they forget to enjoy each other's company.

You Don't Have To Do All The Work

2009-10-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

When I volunteered on the Distress Line, I found myself getting frustrated with a caller who didn't seem to want to be helped. The Resource Leader reminded me, "You should never be working harder than the caller. You shouldn't be expected to do all the work."

That applies to dating and relationships too. You should never be expected to put in more than the other person. It's a two-way street.

A lot of guys and gals are doing everything they can to get somebody to like them (a futile goal, in my opinion) and then are upset when things don't work out.

"Maybe if I was a better conversationalist..."

"Maybe if I asked for her phone number sooner...or later..."

"Maybe if I give him more space.."

I love that people are doing the best they can. But it's equally important to remember that if things aren't working it's not always your fault.

Furthermore, there's a danger in doing too much. Either the other person takes you for granted or feels awkward with all the work you're doing or you get resentful.

Relationships should always be balanced. You should be putting in roughly what you're getting out. You should be getting out roughly what you're putting into it.

Romance Novels and Women's Looks

2009-07-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

In keeping with the theme of my last post, I just finished a book called "Dangerous men and Adventurous Women," which is a collection of essays on the appeal of the romance novel.

There was a lot of cool stuff in the book, especially about the male lead's role as being the hero and the villain at the same time, but one of the most interesting passages was almost an aside. It had nothing to do with the love story, but about the women's looks in the romance novel. It's something I had never noticed before until the essay's author (Kathleen Gilles Seidel) mentioned it, and it struck me as a really interesting point.

Here's Seidel:

"Almost all romance heroines are labelled as physically attractive...In most cases, I assert, this isn't much more than a label.

It is a rare romance that really explores the question of what it is like to be beautiful. In real life, people respond to loveliness in complex ways. Some become conciliatory and fawning; others become defensive. This doesn't happen in a romance. The hero admires the heroine's appearance in a fairly straightforward, sexual way, and other characters don't seem affected by it much at all. After the initial description, the heroine's beauty is rarely mentioned except in the sex scenes.

"The fantasy, I believe is not to be beautiful, but to have an identity for yourself that is not caught up in your appearance...That [being attractive] sounds like a good idea, having a body you can admire when you are buck-naked in your own bathroom. But what clearly seems a better idea, a more appealing fantasy, is to walk by that mirror and simply not care."

The Psychology Of The Romance Novel

2009-06-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

I've been reading romance novels lately, and not just for the smutty parts.

Fascinating.

I used to be intimidated by the male characters in romance novels. I used to snort at the women (One of whom is my sister) who read them. Like most guys, and a substantial percentage of women, I found them absurd, unrealistic, and borderline sexist.

After years of studying relationships, I'm reading them in a different light.

Yes, the situations and characters are often unrealistic. But if you look past the surface details, the psychological and emotional processes at work are consistent with what I hear from women about attraction and relationships. And why shouldn't they be? They're written (mostly) by women for women (mostly--dating writers notwithstanding).

Romance novels are a stylized version of what happens in real life, the same way pro-wrestling--even though it isn't real--is a distorted reflection of the psychology of guy-on-guy conflict.

Look at the romantic hero. Set aside the cowboy/firefighter/Navy SEAL/vampire with a troubled past for a moment and you notice that a lot of the guys in these novels share a few universal traits...all of which it would benefit the average guy on the street to possess in some capacity in order to have a happy relationship. He doesn't necessarily need a LOT of it, but he needs to show some ability to, say, make his own decisions or demonstrate a willingness to make a commitment.

So what are those qualities?

Umm...I'm working on it. In a lot of ways, it's more of an attitude or approach to life than a list of qualities. But mostly it has to do with being unafraid to go after what you want while showing the ability to care about others.

I'm telling you, I'm on to something.

Fear Itself

2009-06-24T08:43:00.001-07:00

I had time this weekend to think about fear in relationships.

One of the most wonderful things about dating and relationships is how much it teaches you about yourself. And sometimes learning about yourself means confronting things about yourself you don't like or even particularly want to see.

Fear. Jealousy. Insecurity. Those are as much a part of people as love and lust and trust. Which means sooner or later you're going to have to deal with them.

Here's my brief, not-completely-thought-out take on the subject.

There is nothing you can do about what your partner does. The choices they make and the consequences of those decisions are their own. You can ask them to change or tell them what will happen if they don't, but otherwise...it's out of your control. If you can't live with their behaviour, break up with them. But their issues are not your problem.

HOWEVER...

the fears, jealousies, insecurities or negative emotions you have around those issues--whether those issues are real or imagined--are YOUR problem. Their level of honesty, for example, is entirely up to them. But if you're afraid they're lying to you...the fear is all yours, whether it's founded or not.

We can't necessarily control what we're afraid of. We can't tell fear to go away or will ourselves not to be possessive, obsessive, or make-a-mess-ive.

But we can give ourselves permission to feel those feelings and really look at them. You don't have to analyze them. You don't have to like them. You just...watch them.

And eventually you learn fear isn't a big deal. It ebbs and flows, rises and passes away, just like everything else. You may even notice that how afraid you are has has no bearing on what actually happens...unless you make the mistake of letting your fear make your decisions for you.

"Like it or Don't Like It But Learn To Love It" - 'Nature Boy' Ric Flair

2009-06-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

Liking somebody is scary.

You feel out of control. All of a sudden, somebody has power over you, and that isn’t an easy thing to accept. I think sometimes this is why it’s so much easier to date someone who likes you more than you like them. The lack of emotional investment gives you control.

But do you know what else is scary?

Being liked.

It’s frightening because you don’t know if you can live up to this person’s expectations. You pull away because you want them to like you and you don‘t want them to find out things about you that might make them change their mind. And of course there are those people out there who don’t think they deserve to be liked in the first place.

Liking and being liked put you in a vulnerable position. Many of us (and by “us,” I mean, well…me) try and control ‘liking’ people and try and control how much other people like us.

It’s not gonna happen.

Never fight a feeling, folks. Yours or anyone else’s.

Commitment

2009-04-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

I've been talking to a lot of women about their romantic entanglements over the past couple days. I'm beginning to think that a huge part of dating is the guy showing the woman he can commit.

I don't mean commit as in she's looking for a husband or some guy who will creepily follow her around for the rest of her life. I think we need a different definition of commitment.

To me, commitment is making a promise and delivering.

I don't mean this promise has to be explicitly stated. You aren't raising your right hand and saying, "I do hearby solemnly swear to uphold the Law of the Wolf Cub Pack and to do a good turn for others every day."

The promise is often in your behaviour.

- If you approach a girl, you are promising that you are more interesting than whatever else is going on around her.

- If you spend a night in interesting conversation and then kiss her at the end of the evening, that's a promise. Vanishing from her life and then showing up two weeks later with a girlfriend is violating your promise.

-If you're in a relationship that you want to be exclusive, having her spend the night at her house and then not fucking her, you are not delivering on your promise. Don't take my word for it. Check out this link.

Women get upset when you don't do things you've led them to expect you'll do.

Social Proof

2009-01-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

Social Proof is the theory that we like people that other people already like. It’s not a new concept in dating; the tricks are legion: Women sending themselves flowers so their boyfriend thinks she has a secret admirer. Guys “rolling with their posse” (or whatever the expression is) in the club or bragging about how they played Bantam hockey with Andrew Cogliano. Hanging out with people we wouldn‘t be got dead with normally just to get ahead.

The idea is, if you get popular enough, people will like you and find you attractive.

Personally, I think that’s putting the cart before the horse. I believe that if you’re a likable, attractive person, “social proof” will take care of itself.

I’m not saying the other way doesn’t work. But it’s a shortcut, and odds are, it will eventually backfire. Yes, there are people who will like whoever happens to be popular. Unfortunately those friends are often the first off the bandwagon once the Next Big Thing comes around.

Look at Britney Spears a couple years ago. Sure, she was popular. But what good did all that popularity do her when she was trapped in her house hanging out with tabloid photographers and missing court dates? Those are the days when you need a little less social proof and a few more friends.

That’s why I think it’s more important to focus on being a quality person than it is on being popular. You don’t always have control over how other people perceive you, but you do have control of yourself.

Besides, even if you don’t get famous…well, chances are you’ll still have someone to help you move.

Riding The Mechanical Bull: The I Rule-I Suck Syndrome

2009-01-25T16:27:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting to be back in the singles pool after being in a relationship for a while. It’s put a lot of stuff into perspective.

One of the things I’ve noticed about actively dating is the amount of emotional whiplash.

The Hottest Guy/Girl Ever gave me her phone number--I RULE!

My friend is flirting with cuties, and I can’t even find the ability to open my mouth--I SUCK!

I kissed a girl and I liked it--I RULE!

Except, now she won’t phone me back. Apparently her boyfriend DID mind it--I SUCK!

Riding the “I Rule/I Suck” mechanical bull is a great way to get the adrenaline going. The I SUCK moments are devastating but those I RULE! Moments…what a high, baby.

Unfortunately, we have no control over whether or not someone chooses to like us or gives us their phone number or phones us back when we call. So taking those things as a personal reflection of our value as human beings isn’t the healthiest thing in the world.

If you’re experiencing this, it might be time to take a step back, sit on your honey pot like Pooh Bear, and have a think. It could be a sign you’re losing perspective.

You’re fine just the way you are, whether you’re single, married, divorced, “It’s complicated,“ or anywhere in between. It doesn’t matter if you’re kissing girls, boys, or your own pillowcase good night.

You’re still you.

That’s plenty good enough.

Quote From Eat Pray Love by Melissa Gilbert

2009-01-25T16:23:00.000-08:00

“I remember a story my friend Deborah the psychologist told me once. Back in the 1980s, she was asked by the City of Philadelphia if she could volunteer to offer psychological counseling to a group of Cambodian refugees--boat people--who had recently arrived in the city. Deborah is an exceptional psychologist, but she was terribly daunted by this task. Those Cambodians had suffered the worst of what humans can inflict on each other--genocide, rape, torture, starvation, the murder of their relatives before their eyes, then long years in refugee camps and dangerous boat trips to the West where people died and corpses were fed to sharks--what could Deborah offer these people in terms of help? How could she possibly relate to their suffering?

“But don’t you know,” Deborah reported to me, “what all these people wanted to talk about, once they could see a counselor?”

It was all: I met this guy when I was living in the refugee camp, and we fell in love. I thought he really loved me, but then we were separated on different boats, and he took up with my cousin. Now he’s married to her, but he says he really loves me, and he keeps calling me, and I know I should tell him to go away, but I still love him and I can’t stop thinking about him. And I don’t know what to do…””

Fantastic book. There are so many good quotes , it’s hard to pick one. If you are interested in a) superb writing, b) love and relationships, c) spirituality or d) travel I strongly recommend it

In other book news, JM Kearns has a new one out, "Better Love Next Time." I haven’t read it yet, but I’m a big fan of his previous book, “Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You,” and I’m looking forward to checking it out.

And You Think YOU Have Romantic Challenges...

2009-01-19T12:08:00.001-08:00

(reprinted from The Dan Brodribb blog)

Overheard backstage at a pro-wrestling show.

BAD GUY WRESTLER 1 (after cheating his way to victory and insulting the crowd to a chorus of boos): I guess I better go out there and see if I still have a girlfriend.
BAD GUY WRESTLER 2: She's never seen you wrestle before?
BAD GUY WRESTLER 1: Nope, never even shown her tapes.
BAD GUY WRESTLER 2: (nodding sagaciously)It's always nerve-wracking the first time they see you. They don't always get it.

Cycle Tour

2008-12-29T10:17:00.000-08:00

This is mostly a blog about dating, but in keeping with the downer spirit of the last post, I think it's important to educate people on the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships.

The Cycle is something I learned about volunteering on the Distress Line. We mostly use it to let people in domestic violence relationships see the pattern in what's happening, but I think it applies to any unhealthy patterns in a relationship, romantic or otherwise.

GOOD TIMES
Everything is fine. The relationship is great.

TENSION BUILDING
There might not be something overtly wrong, but you can feel a change in the relationship. It's a tension you feel in your body, even if you aren't sure where it's coming from. Mny veteran abusees hate this part. Sometimes they may even provoke a fight just to get it over with and move on to the...

EXPLOSION
This is where the fight, abuse, etc. happens. It may or may not be physical, but it sucks. After the explosion, there is the making up, apologizing, and promising it will never happen again. Occasionally, the abusee may feel like the explosion was his/her fault. "He/She wouldn't have X, if I hadn't Y." The abuser may apologize, but may also encourage this line of thinking.

That takes you back to the Good Times stage and the cycle begins anew. Second verse, same as the first.

There are four things worth noting about the cycle.

1 - The Cycle tends to contract and tighten over time. The amount of time it takes to go through the cycle becomes shorter and shorter.

2 - The level of abuse tends to intensify and get worse and worse.

3 - If that isn't bad enough, the good times stage gets shorter and may even disappear completely so you end up oscillating back and forth between the tension and the explosion.

4 - The cycle won't change by itself. Something needs to change in the relationship.(It has to end, one or both parties need to seek help, etc). Usually that means the people involved have to make a commitment to change and stick to it.

If you ARE in a violent or abusive relationship, I strongly encourage you to get out or at least start thinking about boundaries--ie: What would have to happen for you to decide to leave? If you aren' ready to go yet, that's normal. Sometimes it takes a few tries. Take steps to keep yourself safe and (since I don't know where you are when you're reading this) use Google or local community agencies to find resources to help you.

Five Percent--The Difference Between Shyness and Party Animal

2008-12-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

I never realized I was shy or socially awkward until I was seventeen years old.

I had a few friends, and as for everyone else...well, I never really thought about them. I was happy, so it never really occurred to me that there was anything more to a social life. Plus, I went to a small school so everyone was used to my eccentricities. I didn't meet a lot of new people.

Well, except for the notable absence of girls, but I always figured the right woman would come along when the time was right.

Anyway, shortly afterwards, I joined a heavy metal band and expanded the amount of new people I was meeting I started meeting new people and realizing I was--to put it delicately--a social retard.

One of the people I paid attention to was the lead singer in my band, who was excellent with people. What made him so good with people? He didn't do that much that was different than what I did. I couldn't figure it out.

The difference between him and me socially, I noticed, was five percent. Maybe even less.

Where I shut up, he would ask how someone's day was going. He would make one extra attempt to talk to a girl, he'd make that one more phone call.

That there is the difference. Fiver percent. Maybe two percent. Maybe ONE percent. And that one percent difference gave him 100% more results.

I'm starting to think that shyness or gregariousness isn't a quality. It's a behaviour.

It isn't something you are. It's something you DO.

I'm not saying introversion or extroversion aren't really qualities. It's true that some of us get our energy from others and some of us get it from time by ourselves.

But as far as how it affects your real life. The difference isn't you. The difference is what you do.

-Make that phone call.

-Call a friend and invite them for dinner.

-Go out to a bar you've never been before and chat with a stranger.

Beleive it or not, you can do these things whether you're shy or not.

It just takes that 1 -5% extra effort.

But the rewards...the rewards are far more than that.

Why Should We Both Be Miserable: My Friends on Relationships

2008-11-29T13:14:00.000-08:00

MY FRIEND: (on a woman he has a crush on): She’s still hanging out with me, so probably she hasn’t figured out I like her yet.
ME: Have you told her how you feel?
MY FRIEND: I’ve tried. She thinks I’m joking.”

DAWN DUMONT'S DAMAGED GOODS THEORY
DAWN: (watching a drunk man and woman stumble into each other's arms and begin dancing horribly) How is it the two most damaged people are the ones who find each other?

My current favorite is a bit by comedian Matt Aladdine(sp) on unrequited love: "Whenever I have a crush on a woman, I never tell her. Why should we both be miserable?"

A Question of Trust

2008-11-18T12:49:00.000-08:00

Besides being one of my favorite Megadeth songs, trust is important in a relationship.

But there are different kinds of trust.

There's trusting someone's intentions and there's trusting someone's ability to follow through.

I've met people who are factually honest, but are still mistrusted in relationships because they hold back their emotions (I may, on occasion, be one of those people).

What does trust mean in a relationship?

You Oughtta Be Committed

2008-11-04T08:37:00.001-08:00

I don’t know if I’ve talked about this on the blog before, but one of the most important dating skills to learn is commitment.

I don’t mean commitment in the buy-her-flowers-and-profess-your-undying-love sense. To me commitment is making your intentions clear and following through.

Because most of my teaching and experience is from the male end of things, I tend to see it as most important for the guy, but the more I think about it, I think it’s something women need to understand as well.

Here are the rules for your basic heterosexual relationship in four words: Boy leads--Girl Dances.

Scientifically, it‘s more complicated than that (I didn‘t include something important called ‘receptivity’ in my four-word manifesto), and different couples find their own balance, but this is the standard and if you’re with a new partner, you’re expected to follow the rules.

The Boy tells the jokes…The Girl laughs.
The Boy shows The Girl his life…The Girl shows him how she can be a part of it.
The Groom proposes…the wedding is all about the bride.

Boy leads--Girl Dances.

For it to work though, the Boy has to commit. The Girl can’t dance if she doesn’t know what’s expected of her.

Similarly, if the Girl won’t dance, it doesn’t matter how well the Boy leads. If she’s unwilling to show her moves, it’s a lost cause. The Boy can’t lead if the Girl won’t follow.

Right now I think the biggest element of commitment is clarity. The fuzzier you are with what you want--either to the other person or to yourself--the less likely your chances of getting it.

Clarity applies to every stage of the relationship from hooking-up to breaking-up. You owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest about where you’re coming from.

Here are some elements that lead to fuzziness

-lack of assertiveness/ “going along with things”
-mixed messages
-mistaking what you ‘should’ want for what you ‘do’ want
- not speaking up
- not establishing boundaries or allowing them to shift without warning
- not doing what you say you’re going to do
-not telling your partner what you need or want.
- lying (either to yourself or your partner)
-joking about serious stuff; getting hung up on things that don’t matter
-”mind-reading” what your partner wants

There’s probably others.

For the record, I’ve done all these things, and I expect I’ll do them again. And when I do, I’ve noticed the person who suffers the most is me.

You don’t have to have all the answers. But if you don’t know, I think you should commit to not knowing instead of guessing. You can’t keep one foot in a relationship and one foot out. If you do, you just end up with a mess.

Know what you want. Know what you have. And whatever definition you come up with, commit to it.

A Great Idea in Theory

2008-10-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me today about her new partner: "When we're apart, I'm not sure it will work out, but when we're together it's wonderful."

I think we've all been there.

And it sure beats the other way around.

I can imagine how that conversation would go.

"Sweetie, I love you best when you're somewhere else. In theory, you're perfect, but..."

I suspect a lot of us have been in BOTH situations.

Viva Amore

Will to "Win"

2008-10-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing."
-Coach Red Sanders

I love sports, especially basketball, NFL football, and (when it's played well) hockey.

One popular quality that sports-writers, coaches and athletes claim set successful teams and competitors apart is the "Will to Win."

Will to win doesn't apply to relationships. In fact, it screws them up royally.

A lot of people have trouble with their interpersonal lives because they're focused on "winning" the relationship.

-"He has to call me."

-"I'm not going to go talk to that woman who's been looking over here. If she wants me, she can come talk to me."

-"My friend got a phone number so now I have to get at least two."

-"I refuse to let this argument go/start talking to my partner again until he/she admits I was right/apologizes/does what I want"

Wanting to win in a relationship is usually not about wanting to win. It's about not wanting to lose.

More accurately, it's about FEAR of losing.

What's intersting though is constant trying to win and 'score-keeping' in a relationship--any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is a sure way to lose.

How to Make Love the Dan Brodribb Way

2008-09-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

I’m debating on how much on sexuality I want to include in the book. On one hand, it’s kind of a specialized topic. On the other hand, I know of few people--men OR women--who get into relationships for the purpose of Not Getting Laid.

Trouble is, I don’t have too many sex tips. I like to think I make a good accounting of myself in the bedroom. Mostly it‘s because I‘ve been fortunate and ended up with good partners. I do give myself partial credit for my Mad Make-out and Foreplay Skillz, but it’s not like I have a choice in this matter; at 34, the old equipment doesn’t always have the enthusiasm of his younger days.

Still, I laugh when guys ask me for sex tips like there’s some kind of technique to what I do. Do you kiss the right or left side of her neck first? When do you take off her belt? When do you go for the clitoris?

I have a hard time telling my right from my left at the best of times. The belt goes the third or fourth time it stabs me in the pelvis

And I’m still not sure I’ve ever seen a clitoris.

Seriously. Every woman I’ve seen is totally different, and every time I think I’ve got it figured out, I get a new partner and find myself staring going “What the blue hell is THAT thing?”

I have a few tricks, but generally I’m too busy paying attention to her to notice what I’m doing. I just fumble around until something gets a good reaction and then stay with that.

What’s a ‘good reaction,’ you ask? Well, these are the things I pay attention to, roughly in this order.

1. The movement of her hips
2. Her breathing.

Most women will also provide feedback with various delightful noises if you‘re on the right track (which in not only exceedingly helpful, but also turns me on immensely). If there’s enough light, her face, neck, and chest will often flush, which is also pretty cool.

Those are the most across-the-board reactions I’ve seen. One of the awesome things is every woman is different and has her own little quirks, which are so much fun to discover. I’ve seen everything from sheet-clutching to orgasm-induced spontaneous nosebleeds (Insert inappropriate-but-hilarious joke here).

Another thing many women like: Dirty talk.

Another thing many women don’t like: Dirty talk when the Dirty talker’s mind goes blank at a critical moment. (“Oh yeah, baby. I’m going to give it to you like…umm….”)

There you go. Everything I know about sex that didn’t come from the internet, a DVD Josey Vogels sent me in exchange for writing some columns for her, or one of the love scenes in Top Gun.

This book is going to be great.

The Paradox of Internet Dating..and Dating Problems in General

2008-09-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently the guys outnumber women on internet dating sites by a significant margin.

And yet women constantly say there are no good guys on the internet.

Something isn't right there.

Or is it?

I can't remember if I've posted on this before, but in my opinion, there are two kinds of dating problems--quantity problems and quality problems.

A Quantity problem is when you just aren't meeting people. A person living in a small town. A guy who lives in his basement playing Halo 3 and never leaves the house except for food. A woman who has a busy life between work, volunteering, and family responsibilities, but isn't expanding the amount of people she knows.

Quality problems are when you are meeting plenty of people, but they aren't the kind of woman you want. A woman internet dating. A celebrity looking for someone to see them as an equal.

I think the first step in trying to find the right person is recognizing where the problem is. Are you not meeting people? Or are you not meeting the RIGHT people?

Why Honesty Is Important in Relationships

2008-08-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

When my friend first started dating her boyfriend, he told her he found her singing in the car endearing.

So she kept doing it.

Six years later, he's finally admitted it drives him absolutely insane.

You reap what you sow, I guess.

The Choice

2008-08-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

I am in a hotel room bathroom splashing my face with cold water and trying not to look at myself in the mirror.

There is a woman in the other room, and I’m trying to decide if I’m going to kiss her or not.

This woman is very pretty. She’s also very, very crazy.

I‘ve had women tell me about guys that “creeped them out.” I always thought the expression was a figure of speech.

Now, I know better.

As far as I know, the woman in the other room is not a bad person. But something about her is setting off alarms in my brain. My stomach feels squishy. It feels like bugs are crawling over my skin.

It should be an obvious choice right?

The good thing about the safe choice is…it’s safe. But it’s also predictable.

If I leave this woman, I know exactly what will happen. I’ll give her a hug, tell her to keep and touch, and go back to my life. I’ll have dinner, go to bed, and when I get up tomorrow, I’ll be the same man I was the day before.

But if I kiss her…what happens then?

It’s a roll of the dice. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe a make-out session on the couch and an awkward goodbye, never to see her again. Maybe a bunch of crazed phone calls followed by her showing up at my apartment at three in the morning with a knife.

In short, maybe an adventure.

I’m thirty-four. I’ve always made good decisions.

Part of me is sick of making good decisions.

Her world is not my world. She tells me about assault charges, and Mixed Martial Arts fighter exes, and harassing radio station DJs because they won’t play the Buckcherry song “Crazy Bitch”

“I’ve had my heart broken a lot of times,” she tells me.

I can’t help myself. I stand next to her and rub her back.

After a moment, she rises from the couch. She’s so close I can feel the warmth of her body and the tickle of her breath. Her eyes look into mine.

It would be that easy.

I stand absolutely still and do nothing.

When she moves away, I see the disappointment in her eyes.

I tell her I have to go. She asks if I need a ride anywhere. I tell her I’m fine.

We hug, and I leave.

As I walk away from her apartment, I delete her number from my phone. Just in case.

Playin' Dumb

2008-08-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

This is probably a huge generalization, but I've noticed that men and women who would be classified as logical or thinkers often have the most problems dating. I suspect it's because they're used to reasoning their way through problems and dating doesn't work like that.

Intelligence is attractive, but 'thinking your way through a relationship' isn't. At least it hasn't been to the women I've tried it with.

That's why I wonder how much use a lot of dating and relationship books are (Which is ironic since I'm writing one myself).

Dating is skill-based learning, not knowledged-based. Which means trying to get good at relationships through research and study is like thinking you can learn to become a starting NFL quarterback by joining a fantasy league.

Shortest Break-Up Story Ever (courtesy of The Slayer)

2008-07-31T11:03:00.001-07:00

"He hit her so she stole his weed and came here."

11 one-syllable words. And yet I have no questions.